It doesn’t matter if your cat has allergies. It doesn’t matter if he starts sneezing to the point where neither you nor he can sleep. You must not give him a bath at four in the morning. When you give him a bath at four in the morning, he will knock all the drying cookie sheets onto the tile. He will become so stringy, and he will drool with such hatred, that you’ll wonder what sort of creature his fur has been hiding all of this time. Afterwards, he will smell like a college dorm’s shower drain. And you will know this very well, because in spite of the fact that you supply him with a stifling, space-heatered room, he will settle his clammy, dampened stank onto your head, and shiver for the rest of the night. And yes, most certainly: he will sneeze.
(Originally posed April 22, 2013)