This would make a good story.

Back in 2015, the RNC approaches a mercenary businessman who’s got wealth and arrogance to spare. They say, “We’ll make you a deal. We’ll get you lots of fame and money, if all you do is a little posing for us. We want you to be as neo-fascist as you possibly can. We want you to be egregious. Say things that would make David Duke smile. Say things that aren’t so much hawkish as worthy of a velociraptor. “ 

And the businessman says, “Hey, sure. You want a show? I’ll give you a show. I’m good at shows.”

“Great!” says the RNC. “We need you to be scary, see? Make our best guys look centered. Rubio, Cruz. Let’s paint them moderate, right? Can you twirl your hair, maybe? Like a mustache?”

And the businessman chuckles, and he goes to work. And the media starts to notice what he says, and they start to fly around him. Every day, they buzz and buzz. And other people start to notice too, people who have nursed a grudge for decades, people who have been waiting for this guy, who see him as an angel of vengeance in a hamster-colored halo. And the RNC says, “Whoa! This is great!” And the businessman is like, “I know!” 

But then more and more people start to get behind this guy. And more media flies around him, buzz buzz. And pretty soon, this businessman isn’t scaring people toward Rubio and Cruz, but actually attracting voters away from them. And he’s like, “Would you look at that?” And the RNC is all, “No no no. This wasn’t the plan.” And they tell the businessman to get stranger, to insult dignitaries, to boycott debates. And he does. And he talks about torture and his penis, and in fact, he does make David Duke smile. And he’s like, “What? That’s what you told me to do.” And his numbers go up, and his opponents fall down, and more people come from God knows where, and they’ve already got their arms half-raised, and this guy, he’s like, “I wonder if I could make them take an oath?” And they take it! And in fact, they want more. And the RNC says, “Holy God, we have to stop this guy.” But the businessman? What does he do? He smiles. 

Now here’s the most interesting part: Why is he smiling? Did he see this coming? Did he know that if you treated an election like a reality show, you could become the Apprentice? Is he smiling for himself? Or is he smiling for his supporters, with whom he has long secretly agreed? Is he smiling from the front of what truly is a neo-fascist cause, which he bided his time to bring until the Republican Party teetered to the point where it needed only a shrewdly-placed hair to tip the scales? Or is he smiling, because in show business, that’s what you do when you’re terrified? That like the RNC, he’s agog at what they’ve summoned, that he wanted to be the Apprentice, yes, but never anticipated the power of the Master?

So let’s say the thing–the Master– is suddenly real. And it’s shadowy and big. And it’s suddenly in the room. And for whatever reason, the businessman–the bargainer–he says, “Okay. I’ll take the power. I have it. I’ll be fine.” And the RNC, in the corner, they don’t know what to do. Some of them speak out. They know a bad deal when they see it. Others just run. But some–enough–decide that they’re safest with the Apprentice and his Master. Maybe they even like this new power. And they come forward, one by one, and they kneel for a blessing.

(Originally posted March 23, 2016)

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