An Investigator’s Interview with the Cat

Q. What do you do in the middle of the night?
A. I watch the raccoons and I clean my toes.

Q. And then what?
A. I find her in the bed.

Q. What do you do when you find her?
A. I sit on her belly. Sometimes I have to head butt her until she gets on her back, and then I stand on her belly. And then I stomp on her.

Q. On her belly?
A. On the soft part. And then I bite her.

Q. Why do you do this?
A. Because she’s irreplaceable and I love her to bits. And because I’m thirsty.

Q. You’re thirsty?
A. Yes. I’ve been cleaning my toes.

Q. Then what does she do?
A. Then she makes a noise, and she gets up.

Q. She gets out of the bed?
A. She goes to the room with all the water, and she sits down. And while she’s there, I make her turn on the tap.

Q. This is what you’ve wanted all along?
A. And she’s irreplaceable and I love her to bits.

Friends with Llewellyn Longbridge

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Taku got his summertime shave. He’s utterly buzz cut, except for his head, feet, and tip of his tail. After getting his trim, Taku runs around like a kid just out of a bath. I suppose because he feels good, he thinks he looks good. He prances some. His skin is bunny-ear pink. But the trouble is that Taku is just portly enough that he rumples. Parts of him truly resemble a Shar-Pei. But he doesn’t care. He’s like, “Touch me. I’m sleek. Look at me all loungy and nekkid. Watch how I can fan my toes. You know that I have a porn-star name? I do. It’s Taku. Taku Velour.”

(Originally published May 14, 2018)