An Investigator’s Interview with the Cat

Q. What do you do in the middle of the night?
A. I watch the raccoons and I clean my toes.

Q. And then what?
A. I find her in the bed.

Q. What do you do when you find her?
A. I sit on her belly. Sometimes I have to head butt her until she gets on her back, and then I stand on her belly. And then I stomp on her.

Q. On her belly?
A. On the soft part. And then I bite her.

Q. Why do you do this?
A. Because she’s irreplaceable and I love her to bits. And because I’m thirsty.

Q. You’re thirsty?
A. Yes. I’ve been cleaning my toes.

Q. Then what does she do?
A. Then she makes a noise, and she gets up.

Q. She gets out of the bed?
A. She goes to the room with all the water, and she sits down. And while she’s there, I make her turn on the tap.

Q. This is what you’ve wanted all along?
A. And she’s irreplaceable and I love her to bits.

Friends with Llewellyn Longbridge

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Taku got his summertime shave. He’s utterly buzz cut, except for his head, feet, and tip of his tail. After getting his trim, Taku runs around like a kid just out of a bath. I suppose because he feels good, he thinks he looks good. He prances some. His skin is bunny-ear pink. But the trouble is that Taku is just portly enough that he rumples. Parts of him truly resemble a Shar-Pei. But he doesn’t care. He’s like, “Touch me. I’m sleek. Look at me all loungy and nekkid. Watch how I can fan my toes. You know that I have a porn-star name? I do. It’s Taku. Taku Velour.”

(Originally published May 14, 2018)

Good Cop, Bad Cop

The cats love me. The cats know I’d rather harm myself before hurting them. And although this is splendid, it means that when I try to scare them in attempt to stop them from, say, eating the plant, they look at me and chew. James. They love James. Yesterday, over the phone for reasons that are in fact sane, James imitated a roaring crocodile. Sitka froze, and hung onto the couch with all of his toes. Taku scrammed the cat box before he was done.

I have no mommy fu.

(Originally posted January 16, 2018)